You can find part 1 of my favorite little things about sports (my top 10 YouTube clips) here.
Before I get going on my favorite nuances of sport, I must confess having committed an egregious sin. I somehow managed to omit these two YouTube clips from last week’s post. One is inspiring and the other is just awesome; both involve wrestling. This is wrestler Kyle Maynard’s trip to Larry King’s show, and this is, well, this is…The World of the Warrior! By the way, he now speaks at colleges.
So this started as a list of my top ten favorite small details about sport that keep me watching and loving, but I found there were way too many, so I expanded it to a Top 20. Feel free to comment or throw your own in down below. These are in no particular order.
1) British Soccer Announcers—Here’s how an American announcer might call it: “Smith…with a nice cut around the defender…takes a shot…and wide. Too bad.” Here’s how a British announcer might call it: “Smith, oh, what dashing footwork to evade his man! He sets his sights goal-ward! Brilliantly taken! Oh, just slightly askew! And his dreams must be absolutely crushed right now along with those of the home side!”
2) Embarrassing Fantasy Trades—Fantasy games are great and have become a large part of the American sports scene, but the best part is when awful, competition-skewing trades take place and the rest of the league begins to riot. For instance, I am in a keeper league right now with expiring contracts yadda yadda—all you need to know is that someone thought it was a good idea to trade Josh Hamilton for Brennan Boesch. Let’s just say friendships were hanging by a thread for a minute. Fortunately, everyone else responded with their own terribly slanted trades (I myself made a few) but in our basketball league last year, one trade led to about 21 posts and one person quitting the league altogether because he’s a baby. Anyways, always entertaining to see grown men argue about something that isn’t even real.
3) Obscure Jerseys—I’m a big fan of not only random-ass jerseys, but going to a Red Sox game and see someone wearing a Troy O’Leary shirt, or seeing a Dodgers fan in the crowd that has “Valenzuela” across his back. My current collection includes a “Bulldog” Jim Bouton Seattle Pilots jersey, a Gerald Green Celtics jersey, a Roger Dorn Cleveland Indians jersey, and a Baseball Furies jersey from the movie The Warriors. A good friend of mine has a Johnny Utah Ohio State jersey which probably trumps them all.
4) The Spladle—Those who aren’t familiar with high school or college wrestling probably don’t know what this is, but let’s say it’s just about the most emasculating and painful way to pin your opponent. It also happens to be my favorite move. Rather than describe it to you, see for yourself here. Start the video at 0:40.
5) The Rex Grossman Story—I want to be clear about something: this is not a verified fact. This may have never happened. My only source was a University of Florida sorority girl that I met at Calico Jack’s in Manhattan after a couple cocktails. So if Rexy’s reps read this, it’s merely a rumor. But, God, I want it to be true. The story goes that while playing quarterback for the Gators back at the beginning of the decade, Rex was the BMOC. He was so much so that he refused to have sex with any LESS than two girls at one time. That means if an absolute ten supposedly approached him at the bar and propositioned him by herself, he would turn her down on the grounds that there weren’t two of her. Why do I want this to be true? Because it would be proof that he’s an asshole! He was one of my least favorite college players of the past ten years and I couldn’t have been more happy when he failed as a pro QB. Fair warning Tebow fans, Florida QBs don’t translate well to the NFL. Somewhere, Danny Wuerrfel, Doug Johnson, Terry Dean, and Chris Leak are nodding sullenly. Maybe he should’ve been double-teaming the playbook and weight room instead of Lillian and Jillian.
6) Rick Krivda’s Baseball Card—Rick Krivda was a middling Orioles pitching prospect in the mid ’90s who never did a heck of a lot as a pro, but seems like a good guy. Why do I remember him? Here you go, from the man himself. Now you will remember Rick too. Def my favorite baseball card growing up.
7) Latecomers to Bench-clearing Brawls Getting Caught on TV—I love when the benches clear and people are getting pushed around and words are flying, and finally things start calming down and…oh, hey, there’s the last guy out of the bullpen, still wearing his warm-up jacket trotting in like “hey, guys, you know I had your backs the whole time right? I was just making sure no one was attacking the outfield.”
8) Antonio Cromartie’s Kids—No, this is not a foundation. “I got a few three-year-olds…uh, I got a daughter…who was born…she’s two.” Eat your heart out, Shawn Kemp.
9) Camden Yards—I grew up near Boston and Fenway Park, where they announce at the beginning of each game that you are in “America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.” Now, I love the Sox, but that’s a load of bull. It’s an uncomfortable, archaic stadium where half the grandstand seats randomly face the bleachers instead of the field. Last summer, I took a roadtrip to Camden Yards. Wow. What a great baseball atmosphere. The easy to reach location, the cheap (for a ballpark) beers, no obstructed views. They even have the best sports bar I’ve ever been to next door called Pickle’s Pub. It was such an enjoyable experience that I bought a bright orange Nick Markakis shirt. Now, if they could just figure out that whole winning thing…
10) Mike Vrabel’s Career Receiving Statistics—My favorite Patriot of the dynasty era, hard-nosed linebacker, and the most lethal, yet underused offensive player in NFL history. Nine receptions for 12 yards—NINE TOUCHDOWNS. All he did was run four steps, turn around in the end zone, and an easy toss. How did teams not figure him out?
11) Any First Year Player Draft—Where do I begin? First, my favorite experience with a draft: I got free tickets through a friend to the 2006 NBA Draft where my Boston Celtics traded cash to the Suns to pick a mediocre guard prospect from the University of Kentucky named Rajon Rondo. Strangely, this wasn’t the high point of the experience. Being in New York to witness Knicks fans get worked up as they showed a montage of Knicks futility, then have Isaiah Thomas draft Renaldo Balkman (who no one else would’ve drafted even in the 2nd round) ahead of Rondo, then hearing the fans start to riot…it was pure comedy, especially for someone who dislikes the Knicks. As far as the NFL draft, I don’t approve of the decision to move it to three nights during the week because I used to plan an entire weekend around loafing on the couch and watching the draft, but I definitely support the shortening of first round picks from 15 minutes to 10 minutes per pick. Thank God. Did we really need to wait over 15 minutes for Oakland to draft Darrius Heyward-Bey? Either way, it’s the first time each year after the Super Bowl that we start thinking about pigskin again, and that’s all right by me. Also, check out the YouTube montage of awful New York Jets picks. This is why they should never move either NBA or NFL draft out of New York.
12) Converting Girlfriends’ Fandom—Man, this is sweet. Twice in my life I’ve been able to do this. You start dating a girl who likes sports enough that they want to have a team, but they don’t have the deep rooted investment that many of us guys have born within us or have instilled in us by our fathers. So they start hearing about your favorite team and learning about them and slowly start getting into them, and before you know it, a Phillies fan is now talking about her love for Johnny Damon. So it’s cool to feel like you can have that kind of influence over someone, even if to them the team isn’t really that big of a deal. The funnier part is if after the relationship is over, the girl INSTANTLY switches back to her “old team,” rooting for them harder than ever and acting like the affair with your squad never happened, like they can’t believe they lost control of themselves in such a manner.
13) Racehorse Names—”Pocatello Percy pulls ahead of Lady With a Rash, followed by Hitler’s Oyster and the Sound and the Furry!”…Where do they come up with this shit? Here’s a description from asking Google: The Jockey Club requires all American racehorses to be registered with a ‘unique’ name, meaning no other horse can have been registered using the name within a certain length of time, and “famous horse’s names” are off-limits forever. The name has to be under a certain number of letters with several other restrictions and several names must be submitted for each horse with the jockey club making the choice. So, “common” names have already been taken, and may not be used again, meaning owners need to get creative! Keep in mind that racehorses are not called by their registered names around the barn—their trainers and grooms will use a “barn name” for that. For example, Man O’ War’s “barn name” was “Red.” Also, many people want the horse to have a meaningful name—something powerful and appropriate for what they hope will be a winner. The names of the sire and dam of the horse and other famous horses in the pedigree are also taken into consideration and may be influential in the horse’s name…Well, then. I’d love to be hired to come in and just start naming critters. What if humans had to go by these rules too? Hustlin’ Custard Strum, coming to a cradle near you.
14) Overexcited Bench Players During the NCAA Tournament—Follow me if you will back to the first weekend of any NCAA tournament. The score is Big State 68, Hickory High 51. Big State looks half bored, half who-is-winning-the-Georgetown-game? Diminutive, yet scrapy white guard with a high GPA from Hickory drains a three from the corner. Sophomores with their warm-ups still buttoned all the way jump up and down in front of the Hickory bench, high-fiving and fist pumping, shouting to the rafters. Big State 68, Hickory 54. Big State ball.
15) Hockey Ice Girls—The cheerleader of the 21st century. Get with the times, though I’m probably biased. When I went to Hofstra, the Islanders played next door at Nassau Coliseum. I got to go to a lot of games, and found that a lot of the Islanders’ Ice Girls were fellow Hofstra students, which for some reason made them seem incredibly attainable. To this date, the number of ice girls I’ve spoken to in my life is the same number of NHL goals I’ve scored.
16) “Clay”—I haven’t been disappointed by an athlete named Clay in a long time. Clay “Fire Marshal Bill” Buchholz is my favorite current Red Sox player. The Dodgers Clayton Kershaw is a fantasy favorite of mine. Clay Matthews, Jr. is a stud linebacker in the making, much like his father. I even have a Clay Kirby baseball card from the early ’70s. (Kirby holds the career record for wild pitches for the Padres. Bet ya didn’t know that.) There’s Bucs wide receiver Michael Clayton, both Mark Claytons, and the D’Backs mustachioed relief pitcher Clay Zavada. Perhaps my all-time Clay was former Lions and Patriots safety “Big Play” Willie Clay. See? I bet you didn’t know you had so many prominent Clays in your sports life. You’re welcome.
17) First Round Quarterbacks—Much more specific than just the event of the draft above. Remember, at one point these were all real debates: Drew Bledsoe or Rick Mirer? Peyton Manning or Ryan Leaf? Heath Shuler or Trent Dilfer (no, not for Congress)? At one point, Donovan McNabb was grouped in with Tim Couch, Akili Smith, and Cade McNown; now I don’t think he’d share a cab with them out of fear their suckage would rub off on him. My favorite draft debate was in 2002: David Carr or Joey Harrington? I believe a pre-draft discussion between Houston GM Charlie Casserly and Lions GM Matt Millen might’ve looked something like this.
18) Not Doing the Wave—Listen, I’m there to watch the game. How can you be properly cheering if you’re busy waiting to see if the boob next to you is standing up and sitting down? This probably comes across as too cynical for this list, but I definitely get a kick out of how incensed people are that I won’t participate. It’s like I told them I left a floater in their toilet. But it’s the wave! Exactly. Sit down and watch the game, ya tomahawk choppin’ dork.
19) Adrian Beltre’s head—I don’t care who you are—his mother, his girlfriend, his priest—you DO NOT touch Adrian Beltre’s head. Doesn’t matter if he just hit a home run or struck out. Especially not you, Victor Martinez. You’re liable to get your teeth knocked in by the slugging third baseman.
20) Goalie Fights—Hockey fights are clearly great, but it would’ve been too easy to put them on here. What’s really great is when the goalie gets involved because it’s like the SWAT team just got called in, and yet it slightly resembles when people go to the carnival, put on those inflatable sumo costumes, and run into each other. Well, that is unless it’s the son of Hall of Fame goaltender Patrick Roy. Sick ‘em, boy.
Bonus! Mythical Temple Defensive Backs—I couldn’t let this one go. M. Night Shyamalan’s movie Unbreakable is about a real life superhero discovering his powers that he never had, specifically, that he cannot be physically hurt. But that wasn’t what I had a hard time going along with. The first scene of the movie shows our hero, Bruce Willis, flirting with a woman on a train travelling to Philadelphia, where the movie takes place. The woman is a pro sports agent who is representing a talented young defensive back out Temple University. Okay, you lost me. An invincible superhero is one thing, but a stud D-back out of Temple? In 2000? Come on. There have been three defensive backs IN HISTORY drafted out of Temple, the most recent of which in 1985, and he only played one season! Temple football sucks! Now, I get it, the story takes place in Philly, but couldn’t he have been a hoops prospect for the Owls, or even played football for Villanova, which I actually would’ve believed more? I saw this movie for the first time when I was 18 and the minute she said whom she represented, I muttered to myself, “Well, that would just never happen.”
Honorable mentions that got dropped because this was already too long: West Virginia LB Grant Wiley playing a bowl game with his arm broken in half, QB blocks/Kicker tackles, Gus Frerotte’s TD celebration where he gave himself a concussion, Dan Hampton’s fingers, Tony Kornheiser’s attempt at MNF, Carl Lewis’s music video (yikes), Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame induction speech, Jack Morris, Pumps, Mike Alstott, Charles Barkley, and the time Jim Everett attacked Jim Rome for calling him “Chris.”
